An Experiment in Intoxication
by Lucillia
Summary: A story about naruto getting drunk, while I got drunker and drunker. Warning: Do not tryi thhis at hom e unless you are of legal drinking age.


**Author's Note: Have a bottle of Vodka that I need to get rid of before it stays sitting in my fridge for a year or two before I realize that it's sitting there in my fridge door and go "Hey, Vodka! Now, where the hell did this come from?". This will be my first attempt at typing under the influence of alcohol which shall go unedited. I will start off with 3/4 of a bottle of Vodka. And I shall try to think up a plot for a story. **

**Damnit. Why is it that when I try to deliberately write something, my mind goes blank?**

**1st drink:**

**It burns.**

Naruto was one of those people who, when they were told they couldn't do something would take that as a challenge and do it anyways. So, it was rather strange that when the boy had been offered alcohol by someone who should have been a responsible adult in his life, he decided to obey the law when it came to underage drinking. The reason for why this was so all started when Naruto was seven and, after a rather interesting night, the Hokage decided to lay the law down.

Many people don't find giving alcohol to minors to be funny, what with all the effects it can have on his or her later life, but for some, giving alcohol to a kid is pretty much either a non-issue or uproariously hilarious. Especially when the person handing the alcohol to said minor is completely plastered.

Naruto received so few things from the villagers that, when someone had actually given him something, he'd been actually glad to take it. Sure, it had been a smelly bum in a dirty flack vest who'd given it to him, and it tasted godawul, but it had been gicen to him and the guy had been nice about it.

**2/3 of the bottle left:**

**The bum** hadn't gone and sought Naruto out, he'd gone and run into the bum who was living on one of the lesser used training grounds on accident. The man who'd been directly drinking out of a bottle of exceedingly cheep grain alcohol from Grass Country had laughed when Naruto had practically run itno him whil e he was wandering around the village at night playing Ninja by himself rather than sleeping in his his lonely apartment.

"Heya squirt, where the hell are you going at this time of night?" the guy said, stopping Naruto in his tracks.

"Umm, nowhere?" the boy said trying to look and sound innocent and that he was in no way shape or form running away from the scene of a prank.

"So, why don'tcha siddown and have a drink with me?" the intoxicate bum asked. "My friends all said that it's not good to drink alone. It'll ruin my life they said. Well, lookit that, here's me and where are they? They're all dead..."

Slightly afraid of what the old bum bight do if he didn't sit down, he sat down and complied. The bum handed him a bottle of something that smelled strange. When he took an experimental sip, he noticed that it tasted awful, worst than it smelled, and burned going down. The old man laughted as he coughed and sputtered and handed the bottle back.

the old man took a swig from the bottle. Then he passed it back. Naruto pushed the bottle away, and scowled, not wanting another drink of the strange sturr he'd been given.

"Common, don't be like that." the old bum said, pushing the bottle back towards him.

Not wanting to seem uncrateful since the man was being nice and not giving him **that **look, he took another swig from the bottle, noting that it didn't burn as much as it went down. As he did so, he thought he ehard laughing, and it wasn't coming from the bum who was chuckling over hs reaction to the alcohol.

Sighing as he resigned himself to dsoing something unpleasant in order to receive positive attention, like how he'd basically been slave labor for that one lld lady, he accepted the bottle when it came back to him. The bum was one of the few people in the village who hactually gave him things, and the Old Man had taught him that it was rude to turn down a gift. Eventually, the bottle was gone, and Naruto started on his way, ignoring the laughter that seemed to be in both his brain and his gut.

he didn't get very far before he ran into a pole. Blinking off the strange encounter with the ommobile object whic served as a street sign, he started down the road, trying to ignore the malicious laughter in his brain. Getting down the road was easier said than done since he was weaving this way and that, and things kept wobbling in his vision which didn't want to focus anywhere in particular.

As he walked, trying to decide whether or not he wanted to go home at this hour, he found himself remembering the ninja hockey game that he'd watched on the black and white television that the Old Man had given him for his birthday. Ninja hockey being much like Civilian hockey, but far, far, more brutal as Ninjutsu were allowed. Fatalities weren't all that uncommon.

Wanting to imitate one of hs favorite players, Uchiha Benjo, he decided to go find some ice. It being a summer evening, there was very tlittle ice to be found. Being a smart and resouceful child, thos wasn't much of a barrier to his desares.

Tipping a rain barrel over into the street, he had water, albiet muddy water. Wondering how he could make ice, he stared at the water until something came to him. Grabbint a stick, he drew the picture that he saw while he eas thinking about ice. Before he knew it, there was ice.

**1/2 bottle left. Barely notice the taste. As for my stomach, thank god for the pizza I bought earlier:**

**Stepping out onto the ice, he promptly skidded. **Skating wasn't anywhere as easy as it looked on television. Trying to fince his balance he windmilled forward and back until he slipped and landed on his back. Most nefinitely not like his hero, unless one counted that game against Kiri when that lightning ninja had countered his melting the rink by casting a lightning jutsu directly into the water that had resulted. The entire team and much of the Kumo team ended up on their backs after that one.

"What are you doing?" someone asked.

Looking up, he saw that it was one of those police guys instead of the ANBU guys that usually bothered him while he was pulling pranks or just being a kid or whatever.

"iummm, he said, trying to look innocent.

"Nevermind, I don't want to know." the police guy said as he picked him up.

The police guy gave him a sniff.

".. hell?" he said.

"What?" he asked, ignoring the growling going on in his tummy that didn't sound as if he were hungry.

"Whut have you been drinking?" the police guy asked.

"i duunno." he replied.

Shighing, the police guy picked him up and carried him off.

"What's thisj? another police guy asked when the police guy carried him back to the station.

"I found him after he'd turned hi the street into an ice rink, and when I smelled him, he smelled like a ditlillery." the police guy replied, setting hm down on the floor.

"Okaaay." the police guy said as he looked down at him.

"What'd you bring him in here for?" the police guy who'd been in the station asked.

"Because I couldn't spot any ANBU to pass him off to." the police guy replied.

"Sighing, the secong police duy, went and led im to a room with a bunch of small rooms with abars on them.

**1/3 bittke left. Ame barely able to focus on screen. However i must.**

Teh officer put naruto into a empty barred room next to a room with a guy who was moaning as he clutched hs head and said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry over and ove4r agaain.

Wondering why the man had told hm to saty thaere, Naruto began to explore his environment. The bars were fun to climb, so he climbed his way to the ceiling. Pulling a marker aut of his pocket, he rote Naruto Waz Here on the ceiling while the guy in the other small room kept saying "I'm Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

As he was starting to write how he was gonna be Hokage, one of the police guys slammed a stick agains the bars and told him to get down. Grumbling, he got down.

**1/4 bottle left. I can barely feel mi hands. i keep blinking. I don't know why.**

Scowling he set himcelf down on the cot that was in the barred room. he sat there for what seemed like hours before the police guy wnt away. That's when one of the guy s in masks went and entered the window of a room aross from him and opende dhte door, and went over to him. The man then went and opened his door and left the way he came, locking the door of the barred room across from him behnd him.

Deciding to get his revenge on the police guys for sticking him in the barred room, he walked in the direction he remembered their dreak rooom being in. He knocked into the door on his way, but that didn't really matter. It wasn't like it hurt or anything. Shrugging, he macdxe his way to the very expensive telephone that hiad been installed in case the Hokage or the Hospital needed the police for something. Giggling when he realised that nobody had noticed him, he made his call.

"Konoha Hospital" a lady at the other end said.

You have a Seenmore Butts there?" he asked.

"No we don'td." the lady said.

"You sure, because i don't think anyone's seenmore butts than you have1" he said be fore he hung up.

He called the only other number on the fone.

"Hello, said a secretary he remembred being a jerk who wouldn't let him on theoff cie said.

"I'm looking for Mike Hunt." he said, repressing a laugh, just barely.

"Whu?" the secretary asked.

"Mike hunt." jhe replied.

"Like that hasn't alredy been tried a million times, the seretary muttered before hanging up.

Giggling, he made his way to the coffee pot.

Looking around to make sure nobody was there, he unzipped his shorts, and fiipped ovpen the water thing, and started to take a piss in it.

"The hell?" one of the police guys who had gone to get coffee said..

Grabbing him off the coutner, the police guy went and brothgt him to the Chief police guy.

:"He was peeing in cte coffee p0ot." the guy said.

The cheif police guy looked pissed.

"What's he doing here in the first place?" he asked.

"Tekka found him and brough thim here after he iced up the street." the police guy said.

"What did he ice up the street for?" the police guy asked.

"I was playing hockey." he said.

"why were you playing hockey." the chief of police asked.

"hockey's cool." he replied.

"No it isn't." the chief of pokice said.

"yes it is." he replied.

"Whatever, just get him out of here. The villagers would throw a hissy fiut if tey hsaw him here." the Chief of poliece said.

Sighing, the police guy who'd brought him to se the chief of police gragged him ot of the room and tossed him ont the streeed.

"What am i gonna do now?" he asked.

Frowning, he went and wandered the village some more.

There wasn't anything interesting to do, since he couldn't remember where his ice was, and he couldn't skate on it if he cound it, since skating was harder than it looked.

**My Vodka ais impty.**

I can't feel my toes.

Naruto was tryint to think of what to do when he was picked up wby oe of those gy s in anima; masks. As he made his way backe to his apartement in the gyas arms, he puted. Sighing, he went to sleep wen the guy put him to bed.

The next morinint he worke up with a headache. Searing off alcholholeh frorever, he wentht to the academy.

**Author's note: Typed while still sober: So, how does this compare to my usual writing? Questions? Coments? Please leave a review.**


End file.
